Mercy Now

"The purpose of Lent is not only expiation, but above all a preparation to rejoice in God's love.  And this preparation consists in receiving the gift of His mercy--a gift we receive insofar as we open our hearts to it, casting out what cannot remain in the same room as mercy."

--Thomas Merton, Seasons of Celebration

This passage from Merton calls to mind a fantastic song, "Mercy Now," by Mary Gauthier.  It's a beautiful prayer for grace and mercy on us all for the big messes we make in our lives, in our families, in our workplaces, and in the world.  The song is also a call for us to have mercy on each other, and on ourselves.

Perhaps the hardest of all is mercy for ourselves.  I find in myself the need for mercy, often in the strangest places.   In a couple of days I'm going to leave for an overseas trip that will last a month.  It's an opportunity of a lifetime, at very little personal expense to myself, an experience that I am sure will grow me personally and professionally.  

And yet, there is a deep resistance within me.  Part of it is being away from my wife, part of it is letting go of many things at work and fretting about how much will be waiting for me when I return, part of it is fear of dealing non-stop with new, unfamiliar people (which I don't mind, but for an introvert, that's work), sleeping in strange beds, eating strange food, having a new routine, having less time to read, pray, write, and just be by myself.

I will be gone most of Lent.  Earlier in the week I was thinking about the Lenten implications of all these disruptions to my routine, and I started to think about my trip as a kind of Lenten journey in itself.  Lent takes us out of our comfort zones, and that's certainly what I'm about to do.  It will lay bare some of my basic fears of not being in control, and paradoxically my fears about both being overwhelmed by contact with others and my fears about being alone (the separation from my wife is weighing heavily on me, though I am sure we'll have nearly daily contact).  

Its not that I'm ungrateful for the opportunity, and I'm not consumed by these fears, but it goes to show how even in the midst of great excitement and new beginnings, there is much within ourselves that needs mercy.  For Lent, I'm going to give up a little bit of control, give myself a break, and try to have a good time in spite of all my hang ups and fears.  I'll blog here as I'm able.  Pray for my journey, and I'll be back soon.