so far has he put our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who are faithful."
-Psalm 103:12-13
Friends who follow my blogging know I've fallen silent here over the summer. I've been unable to explain why I stopped writing. The motivation and desire just seemed to leave me, and I felt little regret about it, though I missed the contact writing provided with kindred spirits. I don't know what is different today, except that I again felt the motivation and desire to write.
I feel as though the Spirit has been working on many dimensions of my inner life these long months of spring and summer, though I can hardly name all the ways. But one message was clear to me when I awoke at 4:30 this morning. "Nurture your heart of compassion," the Spirit said to me. And then here again, in Scripture, is a message about the divine virtue of compassion.
I've been working with the Enneagram for many months now, trying to understand myself more clearly. Deep inner fears and motivations have been exposed, some familiar and others utterly surprising. I am extremely hard on myself, for sure, and in subtle ways I am hard on others. This is part of being a ONE on the Enneagram. ONEs, at their best, are visionary idealists. Think of Mahatma Gandhi.
I'm no Gandhi, of course. Average ONEs tend to be crusaders in small and large ways, working diligently to improve themselves, their workplaces, their societies. But average ONEs also suffer from severe spells of hypercriticism and resentment as they (and everyone else) perpetually fail to live up to the ONEs ideals of completeness, wholeness, balance, justice, etc. Over time, they can become depressed and disgruntled with everything, and lose their generally optimistic, hopeful character.
I am at risk for this, and have struggled with it in one way or another my whole adult life. In many ways, my spiritual life itself is a manifestation of these dynamics. I woke up this morning thinking of some difficult people I work with, quiet resentment boiling deep within myself, and that's when the Spirit spoke to me: "Nurture your heart of compassion. Open your heart to them in compassion, understanding, and forgiveness." I knew the Spirit was not just talking about my relationship with others, but my relationship to my own heart.
I responded as a ONE. "But, if I respond to injustice with compassion and understanding, who will fix the injustices?"
(My, what hubris!)
"I will," answered the Spirit. "Besides, you will not lose your passionate vision of integrity for yourself and for the world. This is a part of your gift. By opening your heart of compassion, your vision will become more vivid, vibrant and powerful for others."
I did not go back to sleep after that.
In one way or another, this is what the Spirit has been working on in my for quite some time now. Perhaps it's been the same message in different forms, applied to various areas of my life. Ironically, I have resisted the message. In some ways, I've become even more closed and self-protected in my ONEness, doubling up my dissatisfaction with self and others.
And yet, the Spirit has bypassed my resistance, pursuing me relentlessly, pursuing me with compassion.
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