Forever Beginners

“They said of Abbot Pambo that in the very hour when he departed this life he said to the holy men who stood by him: From the time I came to this place in the desert, and built me a cell, and dwelt here, I do not remember eating bread that was not earned by the work of my own hands, nor do I remember saying anything for which I was sorry even until this hour. And thus I go to the Lord as one who has not even made a beginning in the service of God.”
—Wisdom of the Desert

What a tremendous desert koan! And I can’t begin to fathom what it means.

Perhaps Abbot Pambo is saying that renunciation and silence—essential though they may be—are incomplete without compassion and service toward others. Contemplation must be responded to with action in the world? Or looked at another way, perhaps his efforts to be self-sufficient and independent of the world of “men” reinforced his ego (false self) on some level? Perhaps receiving from others’ hands and saying things for which we are sorry are necessary parts of our spiritual growth.

But maybe this saying is a revelation of Pambo’s great humility, and his recognition that grace is a gift freely given, that we ultimately cannot accumulate enough tally marks of good works and holy words to get credit for our service to God and others. Even after a life of solitude and silence, Pambo knew he was still a complete novice in work of the spirit, as we all are. And the miracle of grace is that we are loved and embraced though we remain forever beginners on the path.