“Abbot Pastor was asked by a certain brother: How should I conduct myself in the place where I live? The elder replied: Be as cautious as a stranger; wherever you may be, do not desire your word to have power before you, and you will have rest.”
—Wisdom of the Desert
When we are in a strange place, we gain a kind of humility and openness. We are less confident about where we are going, and how to do things. Even among friends, when you are a guest in someone else’s house, you tend to be cautious about how to conduct yourself so as not to disturb your hosts or inconvenience them in some way. Essentially, when we are a stranger we recognize that we are not in control, and that we need the help of others.
So much suffering is rooted in my desire for control. But as my friend pointed out in an anonymous comment to the blog the other day, even when our desire is motivated by caring and concern for others, we have to love other people enough to let them be, even in their brokenness. Which is a good thing, because we’ve each received an abundance of grace in spite of our brokenness. I want to be accepted for who I am, even as I want others to love me enough to want to see me grow. What I want for myself should be what I want for others as well.
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A friend of mine called today for a chat (later I found out my wife had asked him to call me). Nevertheless, I felt in the conversation his need to confide in me something that is troubling him deeply. I am afraid the randomness of my thoughts and the complex ambiguity of my words dispelled his attempt; and this saddens me deeply. I truly hope that future conversations with him will yield the result he is looking for; for I know in the deepest recesses of my soul that the answer he is looking for will illuminate my path as well.
You may think this forward has nothing to do with my commentary to your post, but ‘oh, contraire!’ it most certainly does. For our conversation evolved to the realization that we so hope to control our destiny that we sorely miss the present moment, which blooms right before our very eyes, yet we miss it entirely. After I read your post I was captivated by the closing remark, and my soul started to spin in all different directions, all the while my brain trying to lasso it in. My neurons were firing left and right, top to bottom, like a beautiful fireworks display inside my head, which incidentally gave me a headache. Thankfully, the sweet woodsy elixir of the gods eased me into a more relaxed state of being, and I was able to more calmly react to my thoughts and feelings. Even with this temporary relaxation, I did not feel I had a proper response (proper in the sense I did not feel I could answer you with any congruity of thought), so I decided to wait until right now.
Have you ever heard of the Crusades? What a heartbreaking example of how fearful we are that what we think is the answer may not really be the answer. You want to be accepted for who you are, as we all do. But understand that before others accept you, you must first accept yourself. It is impossible for other to accept you if you yourself have not an understanding of who you are. This simple yet extremely complex concept is at the very heart of our need for control, which as you stated is the root of so much of your suffering. Fear is the greatest motivator the human spirit has ever known; fear of failure, pain, misunderstanding, loneliness, not being accepted or loved. We humans do everything we do for fear of something, and it is not until we understanding that fear is not but the lack of understanding and acceptance of our very soul, will we be able to grow as God intended us to. And by understanding I mean acceptance of who we are as we are, with all our brokenness and imperfections. For what would love be if we all were perfect? The essence of love lies in imperfection, for in the triumph of our own fear will love blossom.
Do not misunderstand acceptance with contentment, for contentment is the root of fear, fear that leads to misunderstanding. A truly happy human being is one who does not know his own happiness; for once he is content and becomes stagnant in his quest for perfection his fear will overcome his soul with thoughts of loosing the happiness he has found. Happiness is a man-made word dating back to the great roman orator and statesman Cicero. The feeling of happiness however can be real, and the best way I can describe it the feeling of knowing the present moment as the moment is. Example: when in the mornings I pick up my son from his bed, and lay him next to me until he wakes up, while feeling the warmth of his skin, listening to his breath, looking at him. For those very few minutes, nothing else in happening in my world, absolutely nothing. I am there, with him, him with me, and the world as I know it has no bearing on the present moment. I feel nothing, nothing but him and me with him. It is the most fulfilling sensation of nothing I have ever felt; this to me is happiness. Nothing to gain or loose, no past or future, just the bloom of the present moment.
“What I want for myself should be what I want for others as well”; what a bold self assuring statement. At the risk of alienating a good friend I must ask you the following: What is it you fear to find about yourself that makes you want others to be like you? Do you truly believe you are so pure in though and spirit as to feel the breath of God and not be destroyed by its purity? Or is it that by trying to conform others to the expectation you have for yourself will make such expectation feel more acceptable to yourself? Please do not think I am in a position to give you answers about these questions, or that I am attacking your soul; for that is not my intention in the least. I am merely playing the part of the ‘devil’s advocate’ here; which incidentally helps me also, as the same quandaries you have I have myself.
In closing I am reminded of what Confucius said: “What the superior man seeks is in himself, what the lesser man seeks is in others”. So I beg you not to judge yourself, but instead find and accept the brokenness that is you, for only then will you be able to help others find their own brokenness. For by accepting our brokenness we will accept ourselves, and only then will we be able to enjoy the present moment, which I believe is the gift of live God gave us all.
The drunken exile (who humbly ask forgiveness for any harm his words may have cause).
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