My many possessions

"When the young man heard this statement he went away sad, because he had many possessions."
--Matthew 19:22

I have never particulary identified with the rich young man in this Gospel passage, in part because I've never thought I was rich but also because I never had much interest in being rich or having a lot of nice things. I always took a little bit of smug satisfaction in Jesus dressing down the wealthy in this reading.

But today, I hear the word of the Lord. I am not rich by American standards, but I am certainly rich compared to many others, and my life is absolutely full of nice things (possessions, broadly understood), from a modest but beautiful home to newer, well-functioning cars, to my many friendships, my physical health, enough resources for nice vacations and evenings out, and a busy social schedule. In fact, as I think on it, the greatest frustrations of my daily life come from the relentless management of all these good things. I don't face any serious deprivation, illness, or oppression, but I sure whine and fret a lot over the broken air conditioner, spending too much time at my good-paying (mostly rewarding) job, finding time to exercise more and preserve my already strong health, or deciding which competing dinner invitation to accept from friends.

I am embarassed to admit this, but Jesus has hit me square between the eyes today. Clearly, there is nothing wrong with having all these things, but the lack of gratitude for them and the excessive focus on maintaining and managing my "possessions" can pose a real obstacle to true discipleship.

The Hungry Will Be Fed

When it was evening, the disciples approached him and said,
“This is a deserted place and it is already late;
dismiss the crowds so that they can go to the villages
and buy food for themselves.”
He said to them, “There is no need for them to go away;
give them some food yourselves.”

--Matthew 14:15-16

I have been trying to work with this idea of nurturing a heart of compassion. Steve T has given me some wise counsel on this, as he does on many things. And God keeps speaking to me, especially through Scripture.

In yesterday's Gospel, we saw Jesus trying to retreat to a "desert place" where he can be alone to process and pray through the death of John the Baptist. But the people come to him anyway, longing to be cured of their illnesses and he does. Then the disciples try to send them away so they can eat, but Jesus insists that they feed the people, and performs the Five Loaves miracle of feeding them all.

There are multiple layers of meaning here, of course. God is reminding us to give even when we don't think we've got the resources, and the need will be met. And this is about more than sharing food. Jesus provides the example himself. He needed time alone, but he let go and gave of his time, trusting that his needs, as well as those of the people, would be met.

I am far more covetous of my time than I am of food or money. My perpetual obsession with finding "balance," which I am seeking deliverance from right now, reflects my fear that my resources will not be enough to meet my wants and needs. When I read this passage yesterday, I thought God was speaking to me about being more generous with my time, but on further prayer and reflection, I discovered that, at least today, I am not represented by the disciples in this Gospel, but by the hungry people. God is telling me that I will be fed, even when the food (time, energy, solitude, etc.) looks pretty scarce.

As far as the East is from the West

"As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he put our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who are faithful."

-Psalm 103:12-13

Friends who follow my blogging know I've fallen silent here over the summer.  I've been unable to explain why I stopped writing.  The motivation and desire just seemed to leave me, and I felt little regret about it, though I missed the contact writing provided with kindred spirits.  I don't know what is different today, except that I again felt the motivation and desire to write.

I feel as though the Spirit has been working on many dimensions of my inner life these long months of spring and summer, though I can hardly name all the ways.  But one message was clear to me when I awoke at 4:30 this morning.  "Nurture your heart of compassion," the Spirit said to me.  And then here again, in Scripture, is a message about the divine virtue of compassion.

I've been working with the Enneagram for many months now, trying to understand myself more clearly.  Deep inner fears and motivations have been exposed, some familiar and others utterly surprising.  I am extremely hard on myself, for sure, and in subtle ways I am hard on others.  This is part of being a ONE on the Enneagram.  ONEs, at their best, are visionary idealists.  Think of Mahatma Gandhi.  

I'm no Gandhi, of course.  Average ONEs tend to be crusaders in small and large ways, working diligently to improve themselves, their workplaces, their societies.  But average ONEs also suffer from severe spells of hypercriticism and resentment as they (and everyone else) perpetually fail to live up to the ONEs ideals of completeness, wholeness, balance, justice, etc.  Over time, they can become depressed and disgruntled with everything, and lose their generally optimistic, hopeful character.  

I am at risk for this, and have struggled with it in one way or another my whole adult life.  In many ways, my spiritual life itself is a manifestation of these dynamics.  I woke up this morning thinking of some difficult people I work with, quiet resentment boiling deep within myself, and that's when the Spirit spoke to me: "Nurture your heart of compassion.  Open your heart to them in compassion, understanding, and forgiveness."  I knew the Spirit was not just talking about my relationship with others, but my relationship to my own heart.

I responded as a ONE.  "But, if I respond to injustice with compassion and understanding, who will fix the injustices?"

(My, what hubris!)

"I will," answered the Spirit.  "Besides, you will not lose your passionate vision of integrity for yourself and for the world.  This is a part of your gift.  By opening your heart of compassion, your vision will become more vivid, vibrant and powerful for others."

I did not go back to sleep after that.

In one way or another, this is what the Spirit has been working on in my for quite some time now.  Perhaps it's been the same message in different forms, applied to various areas of my life.  Ironically, I have resisted the message.  In some ways, I've become even more closed and self-protected in my ONEness, doubling up my dissatisfaction with self and others.

And yet, the Spirit has bypassed my resistance, pursuing me relentlessly, pursuing me with compassion.  

Confessions of a Radical

As a ONE on the Enneagram, I have always had a compulsion for trying to improve things--for improving the world and especially for improving myself.  My desire to fix the world manifested mostly in through a keen interest in politics and social movements.  My childhood heroes were not Spiderman or even Luke Skywalker (though I was quite the fan of both), not sports heroes or movie stars, but rather Martin Luther King, Jr., and Gandhi.  

Seriously.  These were the men I wanted to emulate.

So I was interested in history, in politics, and especially in the spiritual dimensions of social transformation.  In college I was heavily involved in peace and environmental activism on campus and in the classroom.  I first studied journalism, but then decided that I wanted to get down to the roots of why there was injustice in the world and how to correct it, and ended up taking my degree in philosophy and religion.  I went to grad school to study theology and ethics.  But this wasn't "in the trenches" enough for me, so I became a teacher with the intent of transforming the world one kid at a time, and foolishly thought that with my "spare" time I would continue to devote myself to community activism.

Of course, I quickly discovered that teachers don't really have that much spare time, especially compared to college students.  So the activism slowed to a stop.  Meanwhile, working in the bureaucracy of the public schools led to cynicism.  My values didn't change, but my confidence in government did.  Always interested in all-encompassing political philosophies, I studied libertarianism and adopted a nearly anarchist outlook on social change.  But that critical stance toward the world remained.

There was a corresponding struggle for transformation going on inside me, which I'll write about some other time.  My point in all this is to demonstrate how thoroughly I actually am a ONE and always have been.  And it's always been all or nothing.  The world had to change according to my viewpoint, and my viewpoint was total: Marxism or anarcho-capitalism, the change was motivated by a comprehensive system of ideas that left little room for nuance or compromise.

One of the lessons of the Enneagram is that God is constantly inviting us to grow and become whole.  Now, this is a theme with great appeal for a ONE, of course.  But for a ONE, the growth means letting go of some of that harsh, critical stance toward the world.  I remain a ONE, but something happens to the way I manifest my personality as a ONE.  I move toward greater tolerance, understanding, compassion, and above all patience.

Something happened while I was in Norway that has caused a subtle but significant shift in my attitude toward the world of politics lately.  It wasn't that they saw the world differently than me, it's that the Norwegians bent all the definitions of politics I had come to know.  They are neither liberal nor conservative, neither socialist nor capitalist.  They are collectivists and individualists at the same time.

Some people have heard me talk or write about Norway and think I've just fallen in love with the people there and think they can do no wrong.  I do love Norway and the Norwegian people, but I have no such notions about the rightness or wrongness of their political system and attitudes.  They just demonstrate to me that there are multiple ways of looking at a problem, and far more than just two solutions.  Reflecting on the Norwegians has brought a kind of peace and deep reflection to my mind when I watch the news now or reflect on politics.  My absolutist perspective has been tempered by a new kind of openness and curiosity.  

This is how a ONE begins to come to redemption.  And this is just the beginning.

Knowing the "ONE"

A few months ago, while visiting friends, I noticed a book on their shelf about the Enneagram. I read and studied the Enneagram some many years ago, but had not thought about it in a long time. I borrowed their book and carried it around Norway during my trip, but didn't read much. Then last month at the LCG meeting the Enneagram surfaced again in the conversation, and with a few pointers from Michael, I resumed my studies using the Enneagram Institute's website and the Richard Rohr book, Discovering the Enneagram: An Ancient Tool for a New Spiritual Journey.

The Enneagram is a very old personality profile system likely developed by Sufi mystics but adopted in the last century by both Christian contemplatives interested in its uses for spiritual direction and by secular psychologists who saw it as a tool for human growth in general. The Enneagram proposes that there are nine basic personality types ('ennea' means 'nine' in Greek), though the system is subtle enough to recognize scores of combinations (hundreds when the various levels of growth and development are considered).

It's a humbling look into the human psyche, because the Enneagram pulls no punches. We are all deeply broken and our brokenness is laid bare when we study the features of our own personalities. The system is useful for identifying features within myself that I might not discover otherwise--and probably wouldn't--if it were left up to my own powers of introspection.

Long story short, I'm a "ONE" on the Enneagram. Riso and Hudson, the Enneagram Institute folks, call this type the Reformer. The name is nice, and there are many great gifts to this particular personality. We are dedicated to making things better--both ourselves the world. We are advocates for change and we are absolutely dedicated to growing individuals and society into more integrated, balanced versions of the ideals we believe in. Of course, this is also a very dangerous way to look at the world, and we become extremely critical and judgmental of everything and everybody, especially ourselves.

This is a kind of extreme description, a caricature of traits that make up the ONE's personality, but I identify myself in it thoroughly. In future posts over the next few weeks, I'll explore the Enneagram is greater depth, what I'm learning about myself and others through the process, and especially what God is revealing to me about how I can come to know Him better.

Becoming Easter

It has been a joyous Easter season so far on many levels. I have felt confirmed and renewed by the liturgies, the spring weather has been pleasing, I am happy to be home after long travels abroad, and a very dear friend is entering the Church next Sunday and I have the honor of being his sponsor. Many great blessings are converging for me at the moment.

Lent did its work on me too, simultaneously convicting me of my own sinfulness and leaving me acutely aware of the general brokenness of the world while also longing for a metanoia, a renewing and rebirth in Christ. A couple of simple, small things happened in last night that vividly brought to my awareness this collective brokenness and need for redemption.

As I was leaving a restaurant with some friends and casually crossing the street to my car, some stranger in a passing vehicle yelled at us hatefully for crossing too slowly. Then, as I drove home, a passenger in the car ahead of me casually tossed a beer can out the window, littering the beautiful country roadside.

These things combine to leave me with a slightly sick feeling, struck by how selfish and unfeeling people can be. And these are tiny, insignificant slights compared to the real injustices and cruelties that are unleashed in the world every day. Above all, I am left with a powerful sense of my own self-centeredness. The judgment I feel toward others is quickly turned inward as I contemplate the thousands of little ways I also show disrespect and a lack of caring. The violence, intolerance, and apathy of the world is reflected in my own tendency toward all these things.

The world is broken, and I am convicted by this brokenness with a great desire to do something in response. Of course, the only place I can effect any kind of healing is within my own heart, and even then only by divine grace.

So this week I'm meditating on the Paschal Mystery as it applies to my own heart, a heart that is broken like all the rest, and how I can let the joy and peace and compassion and understanding and tolerance and acceptance and reckless love of Easter become my gift of healing back to myself and to the world. This is no easy meditation, but I'll continue to sit with it and see what happens. It is the only response to a broken world. It is the testament of Easter.

Lord of My Life

"All the faithful should listen to the word as it is announced in the liturgy or in Bible services and respond according to their ability.  In this way, for the whole Church, Lent will not be merely a season simply of a few formalized penitential practice, half-understood and undertaken without interest, but a time of metanoia, the turning of all minds and hearts to God in preparation for the celebration of the Paschal Mystery in which some will for the first time receive the light of Christ, others will be restored to the communion of the faithful, and all will renew their baptismal consecration of their lives in God, in Christ."

--Thomas Merton, Seasons of Celebration

I feel the great stirring within me, the anticipation and expectation of Easter.  The liturgical calendar and the scripture readings and rites that accompany it have succeeded in bringing something to life within me.  Lent has revealed many dark corners within me that are in need of redemption, but not without the abiding promise of deliverance.  The light of Easter is about to break, and I have never been more aware of my need and desire to surrender completely and wholly to the Lord of my life.

I am not sure I have ever felt quite like this.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not hearing angels' voices or experiencing special charisms.  Rather, I just have this deep sense of calling and confirmation within me.  "The Lord GOD has given me a well-trained tongue," the Scripture says today, "that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them."  

Perhaps there are many ways to speak to the weary.  I'm not sure what my way is, but I am pretty confident I will be led there if I remain open.